Tuesday, January 13, 2015
ED Recovery: Exercise and Food Guilt Caused by Others
I've been wanting to write this post for a while, but have been nervous about how others would react. This topic is important enough that I just have to share. I have come a long long long way since my eating disorder took over my life in middle/high school. My parents helped me out TREMENDOUSLY, encouraging me all the time and seeking out help from a therapist. Luckily, I never had to be hospitalized. After I heard from a doctor that if I kept heading down that awful path that I might not have kids later on in life, with God's strength, I turned things around. Now, it was NOT an easy road, let me tell you. It was full of ups and downs and twists and turns, but fortunately, I can say that I am recovered. God brought this AMAZING man into my life and he has helped me sooooooo much! I have to brag on him for a minute first.
Jared is my BEST FRIEND. We can talk about anything and everything or be completely silent and have the best time just being next to each other. I have to brag about all that he has done to help me conquer those ANNOYING and HORRIBLE thoughts that an eating disorder puts into your brain. This man blacked out EVERY SINGLE ITEM in our pantry and fridge with sharpie to where I couldn't see the calories on them. I cried tears of joy when I came home that day and saw everything. He is SO SELFLESS to take that much time to do such a tedious task only to help ME. I am so grateful for that. He helped me realize that it's OKAY to just pour cereal into a bowl without measuring out a "serving size". He has helped me realize that I need to have 20g of protein after a workout instead of nibbling on "carrots and apples" so I can actually BUILD my muscle instead of tearing it down. He has helped me realize that I need to work on building my back muscles to balance out the huge amount of ab exercises I do. He has helped me realize that if I eat dessert here and there, I won't have this insane urge to eat everything "junk food related" in sight when I actually have a treat. (Yeah, I used to do that... it was bad... if I finally allowed myself to have something "unhealthy" I felt like I ruined the day and decided to just eat everything that I possibly could that day and start over the next day. That was horrible because I got so sick from all the sugar.) He has helped me build my body confidence SO MUCH. He reminds me not to compare myself to other people because God created me just the way He wanted to create me! Jared tells me every single day that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful from the inside out.
Thankfully, I am SO MUCH better when it comes to fueling my body properly with food and treating my body properly with exercise. That brings me to the topic I wanted to discuss today.
After reading Hollie's article, I couldn't help but let my feelings out. It's funny because I said pretty much the EXACT same things to Jared that she said in her article, so much so, that I was actually dreading visiting the family for the holidays because I didn't want to hear people commenting about my food and exercise. That is so sad because I absolutely LOVE MY FAMILY. (Cool thing about this Christmas was that our family actually WORKED OUT WITH US!!!!)
I cannot tell you how much it HURTS to hear someone say, "Oh, come on Kelsey, why can't you just eat this certain food like the rest of us?" It makes me feel bad because I don't want to eat it. Why should I have to eat something that I don't want to eat just because you are eating it? Just because I like to load my plate with extra helpings of fruits and veggies and meat, doesn't mean I don't eat enough or never eat dessert. I want to eat the food that I want to eat because it tastes good and I enjoy eating it. The holidays are the worst because there are cookies and cakes everywhere and somewhere down the road people started feeling like you have to eat handfuls of treats at every single meal "because it is a holiday and that's just what you do". I stress out because I want people to know that I am not restricting my food again, I just simply DON'T want to eat that certain food at that moment. I don't pester you when you don't eat fruits and veggies, so please don't pester me. Everyone has different taste buds and that's okay. God made us all UNIQUE.
I also hate it when I actually DO EAT JUNK FOOD in front of people that they have to comment and say, "Woah Kelsey! I can't believe you are actually eating THAT. It's not healthy, I'm shocked!" I wish people knew that when they comment on my food that it actually makes those bad thoughts pop up again! I stress out when this happens because it makes me think, "Dang. Is this really something I shouldn't be eating? Maybe I better stop." I love eating healthy foods, but I also LOVE eating junk food too! When I indulge, I want to actually ENJOY it because I workout hard and fuel my body with good foods and deserve to have a treat when I want it. There is no need to have certain foods "off limit". My favorite food to indulge in is PIZZA. Yep, I LOVE PIZZA and by golly, if I want to split a large with my husband, I will! I HAVE NO REGRETS! We even have a sign in our apartment about pizza! It's our favorite piece of art! haha
Along with commenting on my food, it really hurts my feelings when people try to make me feel guilty for working out! I don't understand how ONE HOUR out of the day can mean that much to someone. I usually wake up earlier than everyone, so it's not like I'm missing out on anything. I certainly don't like it when they make me feel bad for working out when all they are doing is sitting around and talking. It makes me feel terrible that I took an hour out of the day to have my "ME TIME" and do something that I truly ENJOY doing. How is that fair? I don't comment on your choice to NOT workout, so why should you comment on mine?
If you've ever seen me doing my cardio/dance it out routine by myself, you will see me SMILING pretty much the entire time, because it's FUN. I do it because I have a BLAST and it gets my heart pumping. I love singing and dancing my heart out. I even do it when other people are in our small apartment gym because I don't care what other people think and that is what I love to do for cardio, so I just do it! I LOVE IT. I also love seeing my muscles develop when I strength train and you can catch me smiling at my achievements. Ask Jared! He will tell you how happy I get when I increase my dumbbell weight or do something new that I've never done before.
If you got anything out of this post, I would hope it is this:
Also, we REALLY love almond butter! :)
Hope this post will encourage people to keep comments to themselves and appreciate the fact that EVERYONE is unique in their own way!
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